Day 4 of 40 Following the Prayer Steps of Jesus

There have been several times in my life that I have been faced with important decisions or tasks. In those times, I have turned to prayer and fasting to prepare or to ask guidance. Last May, George lost his job right before we had to commit to paying tuition for the new school year at Harding Academy. Finances were already tight, and we knew we would have to send the boys to public school. As a teacher for Memphis City Schools, I know all the worst the district has to offer, and we were very nervous, even terrified, that we would make the “wrong” decision or that they would be bullied. I knew of schools where students are forced to clock hours each week on remedial math and reading programs, which neither of my children would need. Alexander in particular worried me because he is so smart and I didn’t want him to be in an academic situation that would not challenge him. We were also concerned because they were used to being in a school that was racially diverse, and at their new school they would be in the extreme minority, which we feared would set them up for discrimination or exclusion.

I prayed constantly all summer, but didn’t feel any better about it. I could not discern what the problem was: usually I at least get a feeling that I am on the right track, or a sense of peace when I have prayed about a difficult situation. I began to wonder if God wanted some other, more radical action from me: quit my job and home school? Leave them home with Grandma all day and homeschool at night? Get a second job and send them to Harding anyway? George and I just felt lost and confused.

One day I was listening to “The Motions,” a song by Matthew West that has ministered to me so many times over the past year. It talks about not just going through the motions, but giving everything to God even though it is scary. I realized suddenly what the problem was: I had been praying for wisdom and peace and all the usual things, but at the same time I was grabbing tight in my fear. I had forgotten that these precious children really belong to the Lord and that He will take care of them. I was so afraid that a new school would be dangerous or at the least lonely and boring, that I was grabbing with both fists and with my heart, trying to hold them closer to me. What I really needed was to let go and trust God.

When I prayed that way, for faith and trust, believing that wherever they go to school, God would be with them, then I instantly found the peace and acceptance I had been searching for during those long summer months. As Chris reminded us on Wednesday, God is always with us. And that means He is with our children as well.

And this has been a good school year so far. Both boys like their classes, have made friends, and are learning many things. The school they attend, Oak Forest, will be an Optional School next year and we have applied for them both to be a part of that. It hasn’t been perfect, but neither was Harding, and although I am glad that they were able to attend a Christian school, I feel they are being blessed where they are as well.

The most frustrating aspect of this whole situation for me was that I have learned this lesson before: when we clench our fists, we cannot receive the gifts God is trying to give us. When we hide and “circle the wagons” in fear, we cannot listen or hear what God is trying to say. How quickly we forget! I guess that is why we so desperately need daily prayer and why stepping outside our normal routines like we are doing for these forty days is so important and so beneficial to our spiritual growth.

I’m there right now. I am faced with moving to work in the daytime, a good career move, but a sizable loss in income. It’s a good career move for I will be the next in line for the Chaplain supervisor position and make up that income…in a two or three years. On the negative side (other than losing income) it will complicate our homeschooling situation, cramp Michele’s limited work schedule opportunities and upset a co-worker and good friend who wants to work days, but has to wait for me to decide if I want them first.

I’ve been here before. I have been in far worse times wondering just what God wanted me to do. I remember being unemployed (twice) and He provided. I remember being under-employed and He provided. I came to Memphis to the grad school on faith and without a job and He provided. And I am certain He will provide this time as well.

Max Lucado says he makes all his tough decisions after having spent some time praying in a cemetery not far from his home. I believe there is wisdom in that practice. Being around death and trauma on a regular basis has heightened my awareness of just what is the MOST important things in life. But I believe there is some wisdom in Jesus’ example of having a special place (like Max) to work things through. All I have to do now is find mine. Keep us in your prayers.

Jason,
Your grandmother’s comment reminds me of what Peterson says in his book “Working the Angles.” (I purchased it pre-grad school and just now picked it upTEN years later to read it…) Peterson claims that Scripture, in essense, is the language of God– and we, His children, learn how to speak (in a spiritual sense) just as our own parents taught how to speak: by immersing us in this world of language – by saying the same things over and over to us until we gradually pick up the sounds and are eventually able to create complete thoughts and finally arrive at full sentences. In other words ALL prayer is a response to God having first spoken to us. In this way prayer is a dialogue between us and God. He spoke first, He continues to speak and we respond in kind.