During my sabbatical, I learned to care less. And in caring less, I grew to care more.
Let me explain.
My Spiritual Director introduced me to the Ignatian discipline of indifference. Ignatius believed that this discipline was critical if we wish to pursue God and God’s work in the world. Here’s how he put it: “To attain this it is necessary to make ourselves indifferent to all created things, in regard to everything which is left to our free will and is not forbidden. Consequently, on our own part we ought not to seek health rather than sickness, wealth rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, a long life rather than a short one, and so on in all other matters. Rather, we ought to desire and choose only that which is more conducive to the end for which we are created (SE 23).” [Translation by George E. Ganss, SJ, The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius.Father Kevin O’Brien SJ. The Ignatian Adventure: Experiencing the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius in Daily Life (Kindle Locations 573-576). Kindle Edition.] That is, we strive to become passionate about only one thing–fulfilling the purpose for which we were created. And if there is something in our life/church that aids in that pursuit–wonderful! If there is not–we do not hold on to it. We seek only one thing–to fulfill our created purpose. All else, we let go.
To many, the word “indifferent” sounds negative. It refers to a lack of compassion. But Ignatius used the term in a positive and productive way. Kevin O’Brien writes, “In Ignatian vocabulary, this term does not mean an unfeeling lack of concern. Instead, indifference means that we hold all of God’s gifts reverently, gratefully, but also lightly, embracing them or letting them go, all depending on how they help us fulfill our vocation to love in everyday, concrete details.” [(Father Kevin O’Brien SJ. The Ignatian Adventure: Experiencing the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius in Daily Life (Kindle Locations 545-547). Kindle Edition.)]
Indifference means learning to hold onto everything lightly, to let go of all things–except a passion for doing God’s will at every moment. We hold on to only that which enables us to better love. All else, we let go.
Mark Thibodeaux writes, “Ignatian indifference is filled with passion-passion for the will of God and the good of all. If I am indifferent in this Ignatian sense, then I care so much about serving God in a quite definite way that I am willing and ready to take on anything-or give up anything-for the cause. Ignatian indifference does not ignore desires but rather taps into our deepest desire-our desire to praise, reverence, and serve God.” [Mark E. Thibodeaux SJ. God’s Voice Within: The Ignatian Way to Discover God’s Will (Kindle Locations 1418-1422). Kindle Edition]
Slowly, over time, we learn to care less about our own wishes and desires and care more about God’s wishes and desires. We willingly let anything go if the act will serve the greater good of God. Jesus models this in the Garden when we expresses his own desire (Let this cup pass) yet ultimately reveals his deepest wish (Your will be done). Indifference moves us toward the latter.
Thus, if we don’t get that spot on the team, it matters little. If we don’t get that raise, we need not fret. If we cannot move to that town we love, we’ll be OK. We let those things go. They are not central to our vocation of loving God and others.
This is not easy. It’s often a decision we have to make in spite of our feelings: “This gift of indifference necessarily is just that: a gift from God. I cannot manufacture indifference myself, no matter how hard I try. It would be great if my whole self, my heart and my will, had this sense of indifference. But if, at any given moment, I do not have indifference of the heart, then all is not lost. I can simply pray for and work toward indifference of the will. In other words, in any given moment of discernment, I may not have the feelings of indifference but nevertheless willfully choose the path of indifference.” [Mark E. Thibodeaux SJ. God’s Voice Within: The Ignatian Way to Discover God’s Will (Kindle Locations 1427-1430). Kindle Edition.]
Though we may, at times, not “feel” like doing what God wishes, we willingly decide to do so. And the more we practice an indifference of the will, the more we move towards a more authentic indifference of the heart.
At its core, indifference is about availability. It’s about availing everything we are and everything we have for God’s purposes. Thibodeaux defines it this way: “The grace-filled state of desiring to do God’s will and to praise, reverence, and serve God more than desiring anything else. The state of grateful availability.” [Mark E. Thibodeaux SJ. God’s Voice Within: The Ignatian Way to Discover God’s Will (Kindle Locations 2054-2055). Kindle Edition.] We turn loose of all in our life and allow God to use what he will when he will. Job. Income. Status. Standing. We turn avail it all to God so that he might use it as he wishes to enable us to fulfill our created purpose.
I moved towards this indifference by praying two prayers during the sabbatical. I’ve since continued the practice. The first was a prayer I came across on my own. It was written and made known by Charles de Foucauld. It is called “The Prayer of Abandonment”:
Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures –
I wish no more than this, O Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.
A second prayer was taught me by my Spiritual Director. Ignatius recommended it. The prayer is known as “Suscipe”:
Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding,
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.
You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.
Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
that is enough for me.
My Spiritual Director instructed me in a prayer exercise by Ignatius called “Contemplation of Divine Love.” In that exercise, we pray the Suscipe four times. Four times we surrender all we have and all we are. Four times we remind ourselves that God’s love and grace are enough for us. Four times we move toward indifference.
Why does all of this matter? From a pastoral perspective, indifference is a helpful coping mechanism. We live in a world of loss. We lose loved ones. We lose positions on our sports team. We lose opportunities. We lose income. We lose scholarships. We lose spouses. We lose elections. We lose wars. We lose health. We lose competitions. How do we cope with these losses? One way is through indifference. We learn to let these losses go. We take comfort in knowing that even when all else is gone, we still have the love and grace of God. And no matter what else we don’t have, if we do have that, we have enough.
Even more, indifference helps immensely when we don’t get in life what we want. When we don’t get that respect, that girlfriend, that job, that friendship, that call or letter or mention. Indifference reminds us that even though we did not get what we wanted, we still have all we need–God himself.
Indifference is also a helpful goal for congregations. Churches tend to get zealous and passionate over things that are not worth their zeal and passion. Whether it’s the latest political issue, the cultural issue dominating the headlines, or the most recent Hollywood vs. Bible controversy, churches can get caught up in a number of things that are not necessarily central to the gospel. But what would it look like for a congregation to be passionate and zealous for only one thing–God himself? What would it look like if a church were known in its community not merely as a group that cares about marriage, or about the poor, or about great worship experiences–but the group that seems to be hopelessly devoted to and unfathomably head-over-heals about God? What if every staff/ elder/ board meeting were characterized by indifference? What if every annual planning retreat were characterized by indifference? What if every budget were set with indifference? What if conflicts were handled with an attitude of indifference?
As we learn to care less, we grow to care more–about the things the truly matter in life.
